I am a firm believer in true love. I’m talking can’t eat, can’t sleep, Hollywood kind of love.
I believe that one day my life will feel like it was directed by John Hughes. One day someone will be as head-over-heels in love with me as Ferris was with Sloane. One day a man is going to raise his fist in the air like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club in triumph over the realization that I am his. One day I will find the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with.
But, not today.
I am not ready for someone who I “couldn’t imagine my life without”. I am not ready for somebody who can understand me better than I can understand myself.
I want to learn. I want to learn about literature, film, culture, art, and so much more. I want to learn about these things on my own. I want to form my own opinions and create my own experiences.
I want to travel. I want to travel down the block, around the corner and across the universe. I want to climb to the top of Mount Machu Picchu. I want to go cage diving in South Australia. I want to visit Winterfell and the Castles of the Seven Kingdoms in Northern Ireland. I want to go where I want, when I want and I don’t want to have to think about anyone but myself.
I want to feel whole. I don’t want to feel like half a person who would be incomplete without the other. I want to understand myself without trying to understand anyone else. I never want to look back and regret altering my future for someone else before I was ready to.
I want to be selfish. I want to fulfill my dreams before I fulfill someone else’s. I have plans that don’t involve anyone but myself. I am at the most amazing and pivotal time in my life. I can move across the country, I can take drama lessons, I can become a vegan, I can spend all of my money, I can make stupid decisions just because I can.
I am not responsible for anyone or anything other than myself and that fact is empowering. At this moment in my life there is absolutely nothing holding me back from doing anything I want and becoming whomever I choose to be.
I want to imagine my own life. I want to navigate through life’s incredible opportunities and devastating disappointments independently and I want to come out the other side stronger. All on my own.
I want to be happy with myself. Too many women believe their self-worth and personal happiness is in direct correlation with their relationship status. I would be a hypocrite if I said I have never done this. But I have reached an age where I understand enough about myself to know that I don’t know how to be completely independent when I am in a relationship.
That is why I don’t want to find my prince charming today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.
I’m only 22. I still have many (many) more stupid decisions to make before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find a guy who will stand outside my bedroom window holding a boombox above his head blaring In Your Eyes like John Cusack in Say Anything…
That day will come. But it’s not going to be today.
Featured image via alexandriatolfa