This past weekend was the premier of the much awaited, always steamy, uber kinky Fifty Shades Darker. So obviously my best girl friends and I snow-suited up, filled our water bottles with wine, our purses with snacks and headed to the theatre on opening night to watch the timid Anastasia and twisted Christian depict the strangest “love” story of our time.
Here’s 25 thought we all had while watching the film:
1. Alright HERE. WE. GO. *sips wine out of water bottle*
2. I LOVE this song. It’s Coldplay’s “The Scientist” I wonder who’s singing it tho . . . *discreetly Shazam’s it * Ooh! Corinne Bailey Rae. This is amazing.
3. Ana’s boss is creepy AF…
4. This is the most unhealthy portrayal of “love” …. Ana why do you LIKE that Christian wants to literally own you. COME. ON. GIRL.
5. Jesus Christ she did not just text Christian “Laters Baby” *pukes in own mouth*
6.”I was being romantic and then you go and distract me with your kinky f*ckery.” Ana, I like you . Christian I like you too, and I am of a fan of your kinky f*ckery as well.
7. But why does Christian have a room full of ballgowns with the tags still on them, not to mention women’s shoes, lingerie, and accessories? I get that he’s a billionaire, but there is a name for the place rich people keep the nice clothes they may or may not need: the mall.
8. Ummmm where does he plan on putting those little balls….
9. Oh thank god he didn’t put those in her butt.
10. What do those vagina balls even do though? *asking for a friend*
11. Someone trashed Ana’s car with white paint? Is that even a thing people do?
12.They’re on a boat.
13. They don’t bang to the Taylor/Zayn song? Are you kidding? It’s just shots of the boat? They have sex to literally every other song but the Taylor/Zayn song? I give up.
14. The red room YASS.
15.Nipple clamps look like the most terrifying form of torture one could inflict… HELL. NO.
16.This soundtrack is fire.
17.Alright that elevator scene was good.
18.Christian just admitted he’s a sadist who likes to bang and punish women who look like his dead mom…. How romantic……..
19.Dang Christian has a pommel horse in his gym!?
20. That helicopter nonsense was possibly the worst plot line in all of cinematic history.
22. Ana is considering marrying someone who’s birthday she didn’t even know?
23. Wait Ana IS marrying someone who’s birthday she didn’t even know!?
24. Okay the flower/fireworks proposal is my actual dream though so everything is okay now, Ana and Christian I wish you a long, happy and kinky life together.
25.K. That was pretty steamy but I’m seriously hoping Fifty Shades Freed gives us a glimpse of a full frontal nude Christian though.